Searching For Christian's Birth Mom
by Bravemom
Summary: How does Christian find Ells's grave? How does he feel about this prospect ? This is my vision of how it happens. Enjoy Ch 1
1. Chapter 1

Finding Christian's Birth Mom's Grave

Christian's POV

"Ana, please, that is enough, " I say rather forcefully. She has been trying to talk me into looking for the grave of the crack whore. Ever since Teddy was born she continually brings it up. "I don't want to taint our future by focusing on my birth mother. Those are times of my life that I would much rather forget than try to dig up more information about. She is in the past and I would rather keep it that way, " I add with what I think is finality. But I can tell by the look on Ana's face that she isn't ready to give up.

"Christian, you cannot keep pushing everything from your childhood away. You really need to face these things head on and deal with them. How did pushing them further to the back of your mind work for you before we met? I know that look you are giving me is supposed to be intimidating, but I am not intimidated by you anymore, " she says as she walks closer to me. When she reaches me, she pulls me close, leans up to kiss my cheek.

"Ana, most of my memories with her are terrible. She was a horrible mother, why should I find out where she is buried? How is looking for her going to do anything other than just bring all those memories back up? I don't want that shit in my mind. It has been there for too much of my life already, " I confess.

She takes a deep breath and exhales slowly as if she is preparing to talk to a small child. And in some ways, I am like a child, especially when it comes to my birth mom. I know this logically, but for some reason, I can't stop the way I react when anyone mentions her.

"When babies are born they recognize their mothers' voices and prefer their mothers over fathers, grandparents, and siblings. You were born loving her, you need to deal with those feelings you have for her. If you don't, this will continue to be an issue for you. She was your mom and just as Teddy loves me, you loved her. I understand this isn't comfortable for you, and I don't blame you for building walls around that part of your heart, " she calmly states. "The things you experienced were horrible and she should have protected you, but you still loved her. I know you don't want to admit that because you see this as some kind of defect in yourself. But this is just the way we are wired as humans."

And I realize as she is saying this, that I really do have walls built to keep everything from before the Carrick and Grace out of my mind and life. How does she do this? How does she take all of my logical reason and crumble it into dust? How does she see into my heart and see everything about me?

Putting my forehead on hers, I relent a little and reply, "You have made some interesting points, but I am not ready to agree to anything right now. I am willing to think about the points you made. We can discuss this later. Right now while Teddy is sleeping, I want to take you to our bed. I can come up with something better to do than talk about my birth mom."

She looks up at me and bites her lip, it takes my breath away. "Fuck, the lip biting you know exactly what it does to me. Ana, you are in trouble now. This behavior is cause for a spanking, Mrs. Grey," I say with a smirk.

"We don't have time for any kinky fuckery, Mr. Grey. Teddy will be waking up in less than an hour, and I know you won't have time to finish what you start in that amount of time. We will have to rely on your new favorite flavor, vanilla for now, " Ana replies.

"If that is the case, then we need to get out of the living room before I have my way with you right here on the couch, " I say, then pick her up haul her over my shoulder, and take her to our bedroom.

She squeals my name as I head down the hallway to our bedroom. I am so thankful to have this beautiful woman as my wife. Now I plan to show her just how thankful I am, and I will show her as many times as Teddy's nap allows.

The next morning I bend down to give Ana and Teddy a soft kiss before leaving for work. She opens her eyes, gives me a smile and says, "Have a great day at work, I love you."

"Mrs. Grey, my day will be dull while I am away from you and Teddy. I look forward to this evening with the two of you." I reply as I head out of the bedroom and to the kitchen for my breakfast. Gayle has my omelet waiting in the warming oven when I arrive. "Thank you, Mrs. Taylor," I say and sit down to eat. Just as I am finishing, Taylor walks in and asks, "What time would you like to leave for the office, sir?"

"I am ready now, " I say and get up to head to the door. Taylor has the SUV at the door waiting. As we drive to the office, my mind wonders back to my conversation with Ana from last night. I take my phone out of my pocket and type her name into the search engine. Ella Brown, the first page that comes up is for a musician, nope not that one. I decide that this is a terrible way to start my day, close out the internet and put my phone back into my pocket. I need to think more about this and the possible consequences of looking into her life. With Ana besides me each night, I rarely have nightmares anymore. I don't know if I want to take the chance of them returning by searching for Ella. It feels weird to even think her name. I have only referred to her as "the crack whore" for so many years. Maybe I will have Welch dig into this for me. I don't know if I am ready for this. As we arrive at Grey House, I decide I will give Flynn a call to hear his input on the situation.

When I exit the elevator, I ask Andrea to bring me a coffee with cream and we can go over my schedule for the day. Then I go to my office take off my suit coat, sit down at my desk and fire up my laptop. Andrew comes with my coffee and we go over my schedule. I have several meetings this afternoon, but my morning has some time free. As Andrea is leaving, is ask her to get Flynn on the phone for me. He is usually in the office already but doesn't have appointments with patients for an hour.

A couple of minutes after she leaves my office she rings Flynn through to me. I pick up and Flynn says, "Christian, it has been a long time. I was very surprised when Andrea called. How are you?"

I answer him, "Things are great. "

He interrupts me saying, "If things were great, you would not be calling me. What's up?"

"Things really are great! Ana and I are doing well, Teddy is more amazing than I could ever have dreamed. But I want to ask your opinion on something, " I confess. "Ana has been trying to convince me to try to find Ella's gravesite. I am just worried that this might bring my nightmares back or something worse."

Flynn begins by saying, "Your fears make complete sense, that is the time in your life that the nightmares stem from. But I noticed something while you were talking that really stands out to me. You called your birth mom Ella. You did not refer to her as "the crack whore." I have never heard you call her Ella. I think this fact alone shows how much you have grown and that you are beginning to accept her place in your past and in your life."

"I honestly didn't even notice that I had said her name," I say

"If you are asking if I think finding her gravesite is necessary to your mental well being, the answer is no. But do I think it would help you to find more peace about her place in your life, the answer is yes. My professional opinion is that losing Ana did more for you than finding Ella will do. However, when she died you did not even get to attend any type of funeral or have some way to say goodbye to your mother." he says.

Still not convinced, I ask, "Are you saying my nightmares will most likely stay away because of my relationship with Ana, even if I search for Ella?"

"Yes, opening yourself up to love with Ana was the most beneficial therapy you have experienced. It allowed you to focus on the future rather than try to repress the past and made you see a more realistic version of yourself. I don't think finding or trying to find Ella will cause a return of your night terrors, " Flynn says sounding confident.

"Thanks, John, I appreciate your time. I will take what you have said into consideration in making my decision in this matter, " I say. Then we say our goodbyes with promises to get together soon with our wives for dinner.

After I hang up I sit at my desk and think about what Ana was saying last night about babies preferring their mothers. I can definitely see that with Teddy. She can soothe him and calm him so much easier than I can. But Ana is a loving mother and takes wonderful care of Teddy. He definitely loves her, so maybe she is right and I did love Ella. She was a really shitty mother and was more worried about her next fix than she was about me. How could a child love someone who didn't care for or protect them from not just bad, but horrible things? Having a son has given me a completely different perspective on how neglectful Ella truly was. I cannot imagine what had happened in her past to cause her to need to escape more than she needed to care for me.

Andrea interrupts my thoughts with an incoming video conference call. My day is consumed with meetings and I don't have any more time to think about my birth mom.

As Taylor and I drive home, I realize how tired I am, but I feel I was able to accomplish all I needed to at the office even with the stressful beginning. I am glad that I contacted Flynn this morning, that went a long way in helping me to focus on work.

When I arrive at home it is all quiet, I hope this doesn't mean that Teddy and Ana are napping. I walk toward our bedroom and hear soft voices in the nursery. When I walk in, Ana has Teddy on the floor and he is making the sweetest sounds. Who knew that a baby could make sounds sweeter than that of a symphony?

Ana looks up and sees me, then she picks up Teddy turns him to face me telling him that Daddy is home. I head over to them and Ted gives me a smile that melts any leftover stress from my body immediately. I sit by Ana and take Teddy onto my lap.

"Mrs. Grey, how has your day been? Has Teddy been nice to you today? Were you able to get any work done?" I ask as I kiss her cheek. I have to touch her in some way my body is pulled to her without any effort on my part. Teddy pulls my attention away from her with those wonderful noises as she answers my question.

"We had a quiet morning of cuddles. Then when he took his afternoon nap, I went into my office in the library and worked for a couple of hours. It was very productive, I really like an author that I read today. You will like this story, I will bring it to bed tonight for you to read." Ana says, getting more excited as she talks about this story. She is so adorable when she is championing one of her new authors.

"You crush my dreams for the night, the minute I walk in the door. I haven't even had time to start seducing you and already you have crushed me!" I can't stop the laughter bubbling up as I tease her.

She rolls her eyes and says, "All you need to do to seduce me is walk in the room. You know this is true. Just because I want you to read a book doesn't mean I am turning you down. Maybe I should try that, I don't think I have ever been strong enough to turn you down."

We spend the next hour talking with Teddy in the nursery. He is very content when he is being talked to by one of us. This is an enjoyable way to spend an evening. I love that I have them to come home to every day. When I think of my life before, I realize how meaningless it was. I thought I was happy in my life before Ana stumbled into my life, but she brought everything our into bright colors. That feeling has been multiplied with the addition of Teddy.

When I think of how angry I was when Ana told me she was pregnant fills me with such shame. I am so in love with that little guy that sometimes I feel like someone else has taken over my body. These are feelings I thought for years I was unworthy of having in my life. Maybe Ana is right about the way I felt about Ella.

As Ana and I lay in bed later in the evening, she is snuggled in close and we are talking about how much Teddy has grown since he was born. I decide to tell Ana about my conversation with Flynn today. "When I arrived at the office this morning, I gave Flynn a call. Don't look so worried, I just wanted to get the opinion of the expensive Charleton on Ella."

She smiles at me and asks, "And what did he think of the idea?"

"He said it wasn't critical to my mental well being, but it might give me some closure since I was not able to have a funeral or a real grieving time. And tonight when we were in Ted's room with him, I started thinking about how much my life has changed with you and how I can accept that I am loved now. And even more than that, how I can love you and Ted. I realized that you are right, I loved my mom." I admit. "But the thing I am most concerned about with trying to find her is my night terrors returning. So I wanted to see what Flynn's opinion on this was, and he thinks you and your love are my nightmare catcher."

With more excitement than necessary Ana asks, "Mr. Grey, are you saying that you are going to find out where your mom is buried?"

I answer honestly, "I have not come to a final decision, but I am leaning in that direction after talking to Flynn. Plus, you seem so certain that I should do it. Two of the people that their opinions mean the most to me think it is a good thing, that speaks volumes to me."

She turns to face me and I see it in her eyes, the same desire that I feel for her. She kisses me and it goes from soft and gentle to full of passion in a heartbeat. She doesn't usually take charge like this, I think I will let her have the lead and see where she takes us. Before I know it she has skillfully undressed me, she has come a long way in our kinky fuckery since the first time she attempted to undress me. I have no doubt that we will both fall asleep completely satisfied tonight.

As I awoke this morning, Ana was beside me nursing Teddy. Her desire to feed him naturally is another example of what a wonderful mother she is. "Good morning Mrs. Grey, " I quietly say trying not to distract Teddy from his breakfast. She smiles broadly and wishes me a good morning also. Waking up to the two of them makes for an exceptional morning. "I will shower while you finish feeding him and then you and I can have breakfast together, " I say as I get out of bed.

After my shower, I dress for work. Then I return to our bedroom and steal my son from his mother's arms. He looks up at me and smiles, no business deal could ever top this feeling. Ana slips on a robe while I hold our son, and then we head downstairs to the kitchen for breakfast. After we eat, I send Taylor a message letting him know that I will be ready to leave in fifteen minutes. I want a few more minutes to cuddle my son.

Taylor stops in front of Grey House for me to get out, and it is off to another day at the office. But my first meeting this morning will be with Welch. I have decided to put the wheels in motion to find Ella Brown's burial site.

To be continued...


	2. Chapter 2

**Finding Christian's Birth Mom's Grave**

Ch. 2

"Andrea, call Welch and tell him I want to see him immediately," I say as I exit the elevator. "Then bring me an espresso."

"Yes, Mr. Grey, right away," Andrea says as I enter my office.

Having made the decision to find Ella's final resting place, I want to get this done quickly. I don't want to have this hanging over our lives. Even though I have admitted to Ana that I loved her, I still have too many bad memories associated with that time in my life. As I think about it they weren't all bad, I can remember some happy times.

 _I smell something yummy, what is that yummy smell? I need to find Mommy to see what is yummy. I find her in the kitchen. "Mommy, what is that yummy smell? My nose likes it and it makes my tummy rumble, " I tell Mommy._

 _Mommy looks happy today, she smiles at me and says, "You smell cookies, chocolate chip cookies. Do you want to eat some?"_

 _My head nods up and down a lot to say yes I want cookies. Cookies are yummy. Mommy gets me a plate and gives me a cookie. I really like it when Mommy is in the kitchen. I like Mommy happy, sad Mommy is no fun. After I eat my cookie, I run to Mommy and hug her._

" _I wove you, Mommy! Cookies are the best, " I say. "Can we have cookies again tomorrow?_

Andrea enters my office with my espresso bringing me back to the present. She tells me Welch is here to see me. I tell her to send him to my office. As he enters, I am still trying to shake off the memory.

"What can I do for you, Mr. Grey, " Welch asks as he sits down across from me.

"I need you to find out some more information in Detroit, " I begin. "Ella Brown, my birth mother, I would like for you to find out where she is buried."

"No problem, I will get right on it, sir. I assume she was buried somewhere in Detroit, " he says, almost like he is thinking out loud instead of talking to me.

"How quickly do you think you can get this done, " I ask. Part of me hopes that he says it should only take a couple of days, but another part of me is still afraid that finding her will bring more bad memories and nightmares.

He shrugs and says, "This shouldn't take to long. I have already had some contact with people in Detroit when I was looking for the connection to Jack Hyde." When he finishes, he looks up to see my reaction to hearing Hyde's name. And just as he expected I am sure, I scowl at the mention of that lunatic.

"In that case, I will let you get on your way, so you can get this done quickly. Contact me directly with any information you find, " I say as I stand to shake his hand and see him to the door.

As he leaves I can't help but go back to the memory of chocolate chip cookies. Yes, I did love her. I guess she loved me, but definitely not enough. I contemplate having Welch look into her past to see what caused her destructive lifestyle. Yes, that is why she was a shitty mother, she lived in a destructive way. Would it help at all to know the why of her life? Would it do any good to know why she chose drugs over parenting, over me? I let this thought roll around in my head for a few minutes. No, I decide it won't serve any purpose in my life. Being able to say goodbye, there is a benefit to that for my life with Ana and Teddy. But there isn't anything positive that can come from digging further into her past. I know there isn't any family to find, so only bad can come from that rabbit trail.

With this decision made, it is time to turn my attention to my work day. I pick up the phone and ask Andrea to come in, so we can discuss my schedule. I want to leave a little early this afternoon to go home and tell Ana about Welch looking for Ella. She will be thrilled to fun out I have taken her advice.

Taylor picks me up at about 2:30 and we head home. I am looking forward to getting home to Ana and Teddy. I hope he is not taking a nap when I get home. His smiles and the noises he makes are such a joy, and right now I really want to simply hold my smiling son.

When I enter the house, I walk to the main living area and see Ana on the terrace. She is seated with Teddy on her lap, enjoying the warmth from the sun. I hope they haven't been in the sun too long, they could both burn. As I open the French doors, Ana turns and smiles when she sees me.

I smile at them, and say to her, "I missed my family, so I decided to come home early. The sight of the two of you here enjoying the view is all I needed."

"Well, husband of mine, I am very happy to see you home early. How about we sit here and enjoy the view together for a few more minutes. Then we can head inside because we don't want to be in the sun too much longer. When we go inside, I will give you two some daddy and son bonding time, while I work for a couple of hours." Ana says with a smile.

As I take Teddy into my arms, I tell her, "That sounds like a wonderful plan to me, what do you think of Mommy's plan Teddy?" He gives me a smile as I talk to him. "See Mommy even Teddy agrees with your plan."

"He is a very smart baby because spending time with you is always a good idea, " she adds.

"I also had some news that I wanted to get home to share with you, " I say, and she looks at me with curiosity. I continue, "This morning when I arrived at work, I had a meeting with Welch." At this point she begins smiling, I think she can see where I am heading with this conversation. "You will be thrilled to know that I have sent him to Detroit to find the final resting place of Ella Brown."

"Oh Christian, I am so happy. I really think this is going to help you come to terms with your mom. Thank you because I know you are doing this partly for me. I love you, " she says as she comes to kiss my cheek.

"Should we head inside now, " I ask as she pulls away.

She agrees that Teddy has probably had enough fresh air and sunshine for the day. We walk back into the living room and sit down on the couch. I love how lived in our home looks. We have pictures of our families on the walls and furniture, Ana has really done a beautiful job of decorating our home. In each room, there are pieces that remind me of the things we have done and places we have been.

After a few minutes, Ana heads to her office to get some reading finished for meetings she has tomorrow. She tries to work from home three days a week and then Mrs. Jones takes care of Teddy a couple of days when Ana goes into Grey Publishing. Mrs. Jones enjoys being with Teddy as much as either of his grandmothers. Teddy is happy and content when he is with her.

When we finish eating dinner, we take Teddy up to give him his bath, read him his bedtime story, and put him into his bed. We both enjoy this time we spend as a family each night as we get our son ready for bed. As I hold him and smell his sweet baby fresh scent, I know that the smell from his baby shampoo will forever bring sweet memories.

We walk hand in hand through the small hallway from the nursery to our master bedroom. "How does soaking in a bath sound, " I ask Ana as we enter our room.

"That sounds wonderful. The only question I have about the bath is are we taking the bath to get clean or dirty? I know which I would prefer, " she says as her eyes darken.

"Yes, Mrs. Grey, I can certainly tell which you would prefer from the look on your face. Getting dirty in the bath sounds like a great plan to me. I can think of several ways to accomplish this. Do you have anything in mind, Mrs. Grey, " I ask as I poor bath oils into the bath?

"My only request is some of your kinky fuckery. I don't want gentle lovemaking tonight. I want you to fuck me hard, " she says breathlessly.

"Oh, Mrs. Grey your wish is my command. Now take your clothes off and get into the bath." I say as all the blood rushes to my favorite body part. "But I think we should soak in here for a little while and both of us relax and unwind from our day. Remember, Mrs. Grey, anticipation is the greater part of seduction."

"Mr. Grey, you need to remember that saying goes both ways. Maybe I will be seducing you, " she says with a heated look.

I don't think this bath is going to last as long as I had originally planned. As a matter of fact, I think bath time is over right now. I stand up, grab my towel and notice Ana's confused expression. I wrap the towel around my waist and then scoop her out of the tub. She squeals as I tell her to grab a towel off the warming rack. She does so and throws it across her body like a blanket. When I get to the bed, I deposit her on top of the duvet.

"Now that is a mighty fine sight, " I say. Then I go into our walk-in closet and get the brown plaited leather crop. The one I bought after she dreamed about me using one on her. I also grab that grey tie, the one that helped us begin our path to our kinky fuckery.

When I return to the bedroom and she sees what I have with me, her eyes darken and her breathing accelerates. She asked to be fucked hard, so as always say, we aim to please.

I slept very well last night, actually so well the alarm some me up. I decide to go form a run along the sound this morning. The sun is shining, the temperature is just right and my family is still sleeping. My run is fantastic and as I enter the kitchen upon my return, I see that everyone is now awake and having breakfast. I walk over to my beautiful wife and kiss her good morning.

"Yuck, you are all sweaty! Go take your shower before you drip sweat all over me!" Ana complains.

"You weren't complaining when I was sweat in and dripping all over you last night," I whisper in her ear to tease her. Just as I knew she would she blushes pink with embarrassment. I chuckle and head up to take my shower. She is just too much fun to tease.

When I return all clean and ready for work, I steal my son from Ana to wish him a good morning too. He is in a good mood and is smiling and laughing at everything I say to him. I love that he has begun to interact with us more. It makes me so excited to watch him learn and grow in the years ahead. When Gail has my breakfast ready, I give Teddy back to his mommy so I can eat and get to the office.

Just before lunch, I return to my office after a meeting and Andrea gives me a message to call Welch. I tell Andrea to get him in the line and transfer the call to my office. My heart rate accelerates as I wonder if he has already found Ella's grave. I sit down at my desk and take a deep calming breath and count to ten to help me relax. I am completely surprised by my reaction to the possibility of Welch already accomplishing his assignment. After a few seconds, the phone rings, and I hesitate before answering.

"Welch, what news do you have for me, " I ask.

"Well, Mr. Grey, this was a very straightforward assignment. She was pretty easy to locate. I have all the pertinent information for you." he tells me. "Would you like any photos? Or would you just rather wait to see it for yourself, " he asks.

Do I want photos? What the hell kind of question is that? Of course, I don't want photos of the crack whore's grave. But I tell him I will just wait to see it in person. I am sure Ana is going to want to go as soon as possible, so I have Andrea check the availability of the company jet.

To be continued


	3. Chapter 3

Finding Christian's Birth Mom's Grave

Chapter 3

"Andrea, when will the jet be available over the next couple of weeks," I ask when she answers the call from my office.

"Give me just a second to pull up the schedule on my computer," she answers. "Let's see it looks like it is in New York right now, but will be returning in two days. Then it is not in use for the next couple of weeks."

"Could you please block it out for that time for me please," I ask.

"Yes sir, would you like for me to alert Stephan that you are planning a trip," she asks.

"Yes, I will be going to Detroit for a few days with my family," I say.

Well, now that the jet is taken care of I should probably head home to tell Ana that Welch has located Ella's gravesite. I am certain she will be very excited to head there right away. But with the company jet in New York, I will have a few days to get mentally prepared for the visit.

I sent Taylor a text to let him know that I will be ready to head home in the next ten minutes and I will meet him out front. I am happy that he and Gail have returned from their trip. They seem to have enjoyed their trip, and I am glad they did.

When I have sent the last couple of emails and closed down my computer I grab my jacket and head out the door. Andrea is still busy at her desk and considering she is a newlywed she needs to head home.

As I approach I say, "Andrea, are you almost ready to head home?"

"I was planning to work for a while longer to prepare for the conference call you have tomorrow with Kavanaugh Media," she replies.

I give her what I hope is a sympathetic look and say, "Didn't you already send the outline out to all the parties earlier today?"

"Yes," she answers. "But I was just going to double check all the links in the notes to see that you would all be ready to begin in the morning."

"Andrea you have worked for me and done a wonderful job for quite a while now. The outline looked ready and you have already double checked it. You would not have emailed it unless you had it exactly the way I like it. So if that is all that is keeping you here, head home to your husband, and I will see you in the morning," I say.

She blushes at the compliment of her work. I need to remember to tell how much I value her work more often. She is the best PA I have ever employed.

"Thank you, Mr. Grey. I will shut off my computer, straighten up my desk and head home," she replies shyly.

It seems my PA is just as awkward at compliments as my wife. Is this because they are women that they are surprised by positive comments? I hope it isn't because I don't give them out often enough. I must remember to let Andrea know what a wonderful job she does for me. I know I am pretty demanding of my employees and she has never had any problems keeping up with me. Actually, she sometimes anticipates what I need before I even have to tell her. Maybe I will add a bonus to her pay this month to let her know I value her work.

We ride down the elevator together, so I ask, "How are you enjoying married life?"

"Oh, I love it! We get along very well, even with our cultural differences. I mean we have had our adjustments like most people who begin sharing their lives. I would not want to change any of it so far. How about you," she asks as the elevator reaches the bottom floor.

"I am truly loving it also. I am actually surprised at how easy it has been to share my life with Anna. Now with Teddy, it just multiplies the joy," I answer. "Have a relaxing evening," I say as we part.

Taylor is waiting for me when I walk away from Andrea. An idea hits me as I get into the Audi SUV. "Taylor, I am going to want to make a stop on the way home," I say and then explain that I would like to stop at a flower shop on the way home to surprise Ana with flowers this evening.

As I enter the shop, the smell is divine. I look around the shop to find something unusual, I don't want to get roses or some mundane flower that everyone gives their wives. I want something as unique and beautiful as Ana. I find a beautiful bouquet that has some sun-kissed lilies, at least that is what the florist called them. I just know that they are a beautiful yellow flower that reminds me of the sun that Ana shines on my life. I buy the bouquet and head back to the SUV so Taylor can take me home. I notice when I get in that there is an extra bouquet of flowers in the SUV. Taylor must've liked my idea. I hope Gayle likes what he picked.

As we begin the drive I tell Taylor that Ana and I will probably be going to Detroit in the next few days. I add that I will let him know the specifics as soon as I know for sure when Ana is free to go. I know that he is planning to have Sophie here for a few days in the new house. I am not sure when that is, but I would prefer not to go without Taylor.

I ask Taylor, "When is Sophie coming to stay with you and Gail? I don't want to interfere with the plans to have her here."

"She is here now and is staying through the end of the week," Taylor answers.

"Awesome, you should bring her over the house so we can say hello to her," I say. That little girl is so sweet and I know Ana has fallen in love with her too. She has a way of getting into your heart very quickly.

Taylor stops at the front of the house so I can get out and head inside. I let him know that the trip to Detroit probably won't happen until the beginning of the week. He thanks me for allowing him to stay here with Sophie for the rest of the week. Then I head into the house in search of my family.

When I step inside I immediately hear Teddy's laughter coming from the nursery. I head up the stairs to find my giggling son. When I step into the nursery I am filled with joy as I watch Ana playing peek-a-boo with him.

"Good evening, Mrs. Grey. It looks like you two are having fun. His laughter is such a wonderful sound," I say as I walk into the room.

"Yes, Mr. Grey his laughter is truly a magical sound. What do you think Teddy, do you want to play peek-a-boo with Daddy? I am sure he would love to play with you," she says smiling up at me.

"Yes, I would love to play with you, Teddy. But I might now be as good at it as Mommy," I say sitting beside them.

Teddy continues to giggle as we take turns playing peek-a-boo with him. When he tires of the game, we head to the kitchen to see if Gail has dinner ready. Gail is setting the table as we enter the kitchen area.

"Something smells wonderful down here, Gail. What are we having tonight? I am really hungry," I say as we walk to the table.

"Penne alla vodka and it is almost ready to eat. I will bring it out in about five minutes," she replies and leaves us at the table alone.

Ana has gotten Teddy's high chair and set it up beside the table. She walks to the cabinets and gets him some banana puff cereal that he can pick up and eat by himself. Watching how quickly he learns to do things is amazing. I never knew how quickly a baby learns to do things. I will admit when he was first born, just holding him scared me to death and that time when he was completely depended on us did seem to last forever. It felt as if learning to roll over on his own took forever, but after that, it was a rapid fire of learning. Now here he sits at the table with us eating his own food as we eat ours.

These thoughts take my mind to Ella. I wonder if she ever had these same feelings of wonder at my development or if she was always to strung out to notice. Stop it, Christian, stop dwelling on the negative. With Ella on my mind, I turn to Ana and say, "Welch found Ella's grave in Detroit already."

She drops her fork and gasps. "What? Already? Didn't you'd just send him to look a few days ago? I thought it would harder to find."

"Welch works wonders, I agree I thought it would take longer. But he called today to say he had found it. You will go with me to Detroit, right? I mean, will you be able to take time off work to go with me," I ask. What is with this stuttering and stammering when asking Ana to go with me? She is my rock, of course, she will want to go with me.

"Of course, Christian, I want to go with you. I am the one that pushed you to try to find it in the first place. I won't send you there alone. I am free to go whenever you want to head there. The only thing that would cause me to hesitate to leave tomorrow is that Sophie is here with Taylor and Gail right now. I would rather wait until he goes home and that way Taylor can go with us. I wouldn't feel comfortable going out of town without him. I know that doesn't sound fair to our other security people, but Taylor, well you understand," she says with conviction.

"Yes, I feel the same way. I don't want to go without Taylor and I don't want to take him away from Sophie either. I told him that we wouldn't go until the beginning of the week so he could be here with her. Do you want to plan to head there on Monday morning then," I ask?

"Let me double check my calendar in my office, but I don't think I have any meetings next week at all. I just spoke with Mr. Roach today to see what the week held. After dinner, I will go double check my calendar. I think next week will be the perfect time to go. Do you want to take Teddy with us? Or would you rather him stay with your parents," she asks.

Thinking to myself for a couple of seconds, I reply, "No I want him with us. This was his grandmother and I would like to introduce him to her. I can't even believe I am saying these things. What have you done to me, Anastasia? I am definitely not the same man I was when we met. But if I am being honest, that is a really good thing. I was a little scary before you came into my life." I have to laugh at this, Ana joins me in the laughter. When Teddy sees us laughing, he joins in and this causes us both to laugh even harder. He has no idea why he is laughing but he sees his mom and dad laughing so he just laughs with us.

This is what family should feel like, I wish I could have accepted these feelings with Mom and Dad. I should have known I was worthy of their love. They adopted me because they wanted me, why couldn't I see that?

"What are you thinking about? You went from laughing with Teddy and me to looking very concerned," I hear Ana ask as the memories fade.

"I am sorry, I was just thinking about how this is what family is supposed to look like and then I was wondering why I could not accept the love from Mom and Dad," I confess.

"At least you understand it now. They are so happy that you accept their love now. I am sure they are just thrilled that you finally see and aren't still feeling like you are unlovable," she tells me.

"How did I get so lucky to have you fall into my life," I ask.

"Are you ever going to let me live that down," Anna asks.

"Live what down," I ask confused at this turn in the conversation.

"Falling into your office the day that I came to interview you," she says and then continues, "That is the most embarrassing moment of my life and you keep thanking me for doing it."

"That wasn't what I meant just now, but if it bothers you I will try not to say it again. I was just trying to say that I am so thankful that you came along and changed the path of my life. And changed it for the better I might add." I tell her.

"That is so sweet, and I really don't mind you mentioning me falling into your office. But it was so embarrassing. Here I am headed to meet one of the most successful businessmen in the world and I fall flat on my face," she confesses.

"Yes, I can see how that would be embarrassing. I am very thankful that it happened and brought you into my life," I say honestly, but I am hoping to make her feel better also.

"I guess I will survive it being mentioned because I am also very thankful that it brought us together," she says.

At this point, Teddy has finished all of his banana cereal and wants some more. he makes noises to get our attention. Ana gives him some more and he begins eating again. So Ana and I join him and begin eating our meal also.

"I will let Taylor know we want to leave Monday mid-morning as soon as you double check your schedule," I say as I finish my penne alla vodka.

"That sounds great. I will go check my calendar right now," Ana says as she gets up from the table. She returns just a couple of minutes later. "Yes, Monday will work fine for my schedule. I don't have any meetings this week, so I can take my laptop and we can stay as long as you want," she says as she gets Teddy out of his high chair.

She starts walking toward the family room with Teddy, so I follow along to enjoy some time with my son before he needs to go to bed. I love this time in the evening with Teddy and Ana. We just enjoy time with each other and seeing Teddy grow and discover the world around him. He has begun to crawl and now a lot of our evenings are spent directing him back to his toys and away from all the dangers that a house has for a small child. But watching him explore this world is a cool thing.

I send a text to Taylor to let him know what we have planned to do about Detroit. I am secretly relieved that I have a few days to prepare myself for this trip to Detroit. How is it that I can command a room full of people, some of them twice my age and not blink, but returning to find Ella's grave completely terrifies me. I don't really like that this is something weak in myself. Maybe that is why I decided to listen to Ana and find her grave. I need to prove to myself that I can do this, I can go back to the place of my shitty beginning and walk away still standing tall.

Before I know it, it is time to take Teddy upstairs to bed. This is something Ana and I have done together since he was old enough to sleep in his nursery. We get him ready for bed together, the bath, jammies, and story time is family time. But after he is in bed, it is time for Ana and me.

When we walk into our room after Teddy is in bed, I take Ana into my arms and hold her close.

"Christian, is there something wrong? You have been quiet and speculative all evening. If you want to wait to go to Detroit for a few days, a few weeks, a few months, years or if you don't really even want to go, I am fine any of those options," she says with love and concern on her face.

"No I really want to do this and I want to do it sooner rather than later. I have been thinking of my time with her, but not in a necessarily bad way. I think partly I need to prove to myself that I can go back there and still be the strong man I have become. I am not going to lie and tell you that I am excited and looking forward to the trip. But I do want to do it, maybe even need to do it to be able to have closure for that time of my life. Maybe in some way find peace with it. I hope. This trip can accomplish that for me, for us. Does that even make sense," I ask in conclusion to my speech?

"Yes, I can see where you would have all of those emotions and feelings about this trip. But don't forget at any time you feel weak or if you just need help, I am there for you. I will do whatever you need me to do during this trip to Detroit. I support you, it is just that simple, I will support you," she says as she pulls me close again.

"Let's have my parents here for dinner tomorrow or the next night. I would like to talk to them before we go to Detroit. I want to talk to them about this trip before we make it. They have been wonderful, loving parents, even if for a period of my life I could not see it. I don't want to hurt them, especially my mom, by going to see Ella's grave. My life would have been so different if it had not been for Grace, she saved me in so many ways," I say to Ana.

"Yes, that is a wonderful idea. It is very thoughtful of you to want to do this for them. I will call Grace in the morning to see which day is better for them. If we have to postpone the trip a day or so to meet with them, we can," Ana tells me and then adds. "Is there anything else on your mind?"

"I would like to not discuss Detroit or anything about it for the rest of the night," I say and then kiss her. She kisses me back, but it is not a passionate kiss. It feels like she is trying to put all of the love she feels for me into this kiss. I really don't deserve her, but I am selfish and I am going to keep her forever.

"Are you ready to go to bed now? Or would you rather take a shower, a bath, or some kinky fuckery," she asks when she releases me.

"Actually, Mrs. Grey, I would like to make slow passionate love to my beautiful wife. How does that plan sound to you," I ask, and seeing the smile on her face, I know she likes my plan.

Ana calls the office to let me know Grace and Carrick will be able to come to dinner tonight. I am happy that I will be able to talk to them tonight. I truly don't want to do this if it is going to upset them. I guess I will find out what their reaction is tonight. I find it harder to concentrate on my workday after my conversation with Ana. Lunch and fresh air, that is what I need. Walking out of my office, Andrea looks up at me with a confused expression.

"I am heading out to get some lunch and fresh air," I inform her. "Would you like for me to bring something back for you?"

"No, thank you. I brought my lunch from home today," she answers.

"If anyone needs me, I should be back in an hour or so," I tell her as I enter the elevator.

As I step out onto the Seattle street, the sun is shining and that immediately lightens my mood. There is a little Mexican restaurant a couple of blocks from Grey House that is one of my favorite places to eat lunch. The couple that owns the restaurant is wonderful, and I haven't been there in a few weeks. Their oldest daughter was about to get married the last time I was there.

"Beunas tardes," I call out to them as I enter the restaurant. That is the extent of the Spanish I can speak, but Mr. Gonzales is entertained by my attempt to speak Spanish.

"Mr. Grey, where have you been," he asks as I sit in a booth near the kitchen.

"In my office, that is where I have been having all of my lunches lately," I say apologetically. "But I am here now, and I am ready to eat."

"Mrs. Gonzales, she thinks you don't like our food anymore," he teases. Mrs. Gonzales comes over to the booth with an eye roll. This makes me think of Ana.

"Mr. Grey, you know not to believe anything this old man has to say," she asks. " I know you cannot go too long without my arroz con pollo."

"You know me all too well." I agree. "How was your daughter's wedding?"

"It was so beautiful! She was the most beautiful bride you have ever seen. I think I cried a bucket of tears," she gushes.

"Thank you so much for your wonderful gift to her. You are too kind and generous to us, Mr. Grey," Mr. Gonzales adds.

"How could I not get a gift for the daughter of the best cook in Seattle," I ask. "May she be as happy in her marriage as I am in mine."

"Yes, Mrs. Grey has been very good for you. You are happier since you married her. I see you smile, you never smiled before," says Mrs. Gonzales. "I will go get your arroz con pollo. You will starve if I stay her talking."

I think about what she said as I wait for my food. It seems odd that other people notice a difference in my life since Ana. But I guess I should not be shocked, she has had such a wonderful effect on me, and now with Teddy, it is even better.

When I finish my food I say my goodbyes to Mr. and Mrs. Gonzalez and head back to the office. I feel better after being in their restaurant, and now I am full of delicious food so I can get back to running my business.

I enter the house after Taylor drops me at the door. As my routine has become, I listen for the sounds of Ana and Teddy. I hear them in the kitchen, and I head that way. Teddy is in his high chair having some snacks. Ana and Gail are both standing in front of the stove, and whatever they are cooking smells delicious.

"Ladies, whatever you have on that stove smells wonderful," I said stepping over to Teddy. "Hi sweet boy, how was your day," I ask as I bend down to kiss the top of his head.

"Welcome home husband, how was your day? It has been pretty quiet around here today. Teddy took a long nap today, I think he might be in a growth spurt," Ana tells me as she walks over and wraps her arms around my neck.

"My day was fine, I had lunch at my favorite Mexican place. Mr. and Mrs. Gonzales was saying how I smile since I have met and married you. I do not realize that I never smiled before," I confess as she looks into my eyes.

"That is wonderful, I mean, that you smile now. That I make you happy and they noticed. Not that you didn't smile before we were married," Ana stammers as the blush I love to see creeps up her face.

"Yes, having you in my life is wonderful," I add, then ask, "When will my parent be arriving for dinner?"

"They will be here at 6:30," she tells me as she heads back to the stove to help Gail.

I look at Teddy in his high chair, and he seems to be playing with his food more than eating it. I think we should go to his room and have some male bonding time.

"I am going to take Teddy upstairs to have some father-son bonding time," I say to Ana as I get home out of his high chair.

"Enjoy your guy time," Ana calls as I head up the stairs to Teddy's room.

After Teddy and I have played peek-a-boo and read a couple of stories, I hear my parents arrive for dinner. Teddy and I head downstairs to see Grandma and Grandpa. My parents are over the top in love with our little boy. I think my mom has a completely stocked toy store in the newly named grands playroom. The room is formerly known as the den.

When we enter the dining room and Teddy sees his grandparents he squeals with delight. I love that he gets excited when my parents are around. Mom comes over quickly to pluck him from my arms, smothering him with kisses, and he giggles as she does. Dad the loser of the race to get Teddy is stuck with saying hello to me.

"Hello son," he says without much enthusiasm I might add.

"Hi Dad," I say. "So you lost the race tonight I see. Mom has Teddy first and now you might not get him at all. You really need to up your game on this one. I will tell you my secret, for the right price."

"What price is that, because I might be willing to pay a fortune for a secret way to beat Grandma to the little guy," he says quietly.

"We need to stick together, us guys you know," I say just as quietly. "The secret is to come in the front door and listen to see what noises are in the house. If you listen closely you will hear Teddy and then beat Mom to the punch. That is my regular routine. I walk in the door and listen for the sounds of my family."

"I think the best part of that story is that you do that each day to listen for your family," Dad says with a note of pride in his voice.

"Good evening Grace and Carrick," Ana says as she comes into the dining room with her hands full of food. "Christian, can you eat Teddy's high chair and bring it in her please."

"Yes, and do you need any more help with the food? I can help with that too," I reply.

"No, I only need to bring in one more bowl, but thank you for the offer," she says as she follows me to the kitchen.

After we have all eaten way too much food, Ana takes Teddy up to get him ready for bed. I use the time alone with my parents to tell them what Welch found. They can tell I have something important I want to talk to them about. But being the wonderful parents they are and knowing me so well they wait for me to tell them when I am ready.

"Ana has been telling me that I need to find Ella's grave to help me find closure on that parent of my life for a while now. I have been putting her off because, well you guys know all of the reasons I wouldn't want to find her. But one day she said some things that really made me think," I say to begin my story to them.

Mom is looking at me with her eyes full of love, and it reminds me of the way Ana looks at Teddy when he hurts himself. How could I have missed her love for me for so long? They are waiting patiently for me to continue.

"One day she was at it again, and honestly I was getting a little angry with her. But she stood her ground and told me that I did not intimidate her anymore and I need to find Ella's grave to make peace with her. Then she said the thing that made the most impact on me. She told me she had been reading some research and that babies are born knowing their mother heartbeat, voice, and scent. She mentioned how much easier it is for her to calm Teddy as proof of the research. And she is right, she can calm him when he is upset almost instantly. But you know me, I was not so easily convinced. I had to think about it and mull it over. To be completely honest, the thing that worried me most was the nightmares," I confess.

At this point mom puts her hand over her heart, I know my nightmares were always really difficult for her. She wanted to soothe me, but I couldn't let her touch me. She just always knew that touching me was what terrified me the most. When the nightmares would come, she would speak so softly and hum softly. I don't think I have ever thanked her for being there with me after the nightmares.

"Mom, I don't know if I have ever thanked you for the way you were there for me after my nightmares when I was a child. I know it couldn't have been easy for you to see me suffer and not let you hold me to comfort me. But you were wonderful and I loved how you would hum to me. Was that a certain song? I can't place it," I say.

"Actually it was a song my mother sang to me when I was a child. She made the whole song up and sang it for us when we were sick or sad. It just seemed right to sing it for you when you were in such distress with your nightmares. It always made me feel loved by me and made me feel so much better. I just hoped it helped you as it helped me," she said.

"That is surprising that Grandmother sang it to you. I would have thought it would be more something Grandfather would do," I say but mostly to myself.

"Yes, I know she has gotten ornery in her old age, but she was a wonderful, giving mother to me," Mom says wistfully.

"Well my nightmares was the biggest reason I did not want to try to find Ella. With Ana in my life, I rarely have them anymore. I was afraid that if I started digging into my life with Ella that they might return. I call Dr. Flynn to get his expert opinion on the situation. He thinks that with my allowing Ana into my life and heart the nightmares most likely won't be an issue. About a week ago I had Welch go to Detroit and try to find her grave. He was able to find it in only a couple of days. I want to go to Detroit and try to put her behind me for once and for all. But before I do that I wanted to make sure you guys would not be upset or hurt by this," I tentatively end my speech.

Mom and Dad give each other a look, you know the look that a married couple gives that carries an entire conversation. After the look, Dad turns to me and puts his hand on my knee.

"Son, we love you and only want you to be happy. I think Ana is smarter than the rest of us to think of this as a way for you to get the closure you need from your childhood and your mother. Your mom and I have not doubts or fears about the feelings you have for us. Go to Detroit and find the closure you need. You were really never able to say goodbye to her. I hope that this trip will bring even more healing and peace into your life. Your mom and I have hoped and prayed that you would learn to love yourself and allow others to love you. You are at that point with your family now. Maybe the last step to full healing of your life is going to say goodbye to the woman that gave you life," Dad finishes with tears in his eyes.

"Thank you guys for everything. I wanted to make sure you were on board before we made the trip. The plan is to leave on Monday morning and return by the weekend," I inform them.

"Christian please, keep us updated while you are away. I want to know that my son isn't hurting. I am moved that you wanted to check with us before you moved forward with this. I knew Ana was smart when she chose to marry you, but this is even more proof," Mom says. Ana comes into the room just after Mom finishes talking.

"Looks like Christian has shared our news with you," Ana begins, "I hope you are not upset with me for encouraging him."

"Actually, I think Mom is convinced that you are a genius," I say.

"Well, she did choose to marry my son," Mom says with a smile.

After my parents leave, Ana and I head upstairs to bed. We are both tired from the emotionally draining discussions tonight. When we crawl under the covers we hold each other and fall asleep.

 _Mommy is asweep. She is pwetty. I love Mommy's hair. Mommy likes it when I bwush her hair. I cwimb on Mommy's bed wif the hairbwush._

" _Mommy, can I bwush your hair? Mommy? I want to bwush your hair," I tell her._

" _Hey Maggot, good morning. Did you sleep well? I love you," Mommy tells me. She is smiling and happy today. I like it when she is smiling and happy._

" _Yes, I sleep great. Now I can bwush your hair," I tell her._

" _Please brush my hair. I love it when you brush my hair. When you finish we can have some pancakes for breakfast. How does that sound," she asks._

" _Yummy, pancakes are the best," I say._

 _When I finish brushing Mommy's hair we stay in bed and play together. We play with my cars. After we played for a long time, Mommy says she wants to eat. We go to the kitchen and Mommy lets me help make the pancakes. The spoon I mix it with is so big and it is hard to mix for me, but Mommy does it easy. She says I am a big boy and have big muscles._

 _Mommy and I eat our pancakes together. My tummy feels good when it is full of pancakes. I hope Mommy makes them again tomorrow for breakfast. When we are all finished, Mommy says, "Let's walk to the park to play today."_

" _The park is the best idea. Can I swing," I ask as Mommy puts my shoes on my feet?_

" _Yes, I will push you on the swing too," Mommy says with a smile._

 _Mommy picks me up and hugs me tight as we head to the park. Mommy's hugs are even better than her smiles. My favorite thing in the whole world is a Mommy hug._

As I awake I realize I just had a dream about my mom and it wasn't a nightmare. Grace is right, Ana is a genius. Maybe after our trip on Monday, I will have more happy memories of my time with Ella.


	4. Chapter 4

**Finding Christian's Birth Mom's Grave**

Chapter 4

Detroit! Yes, I am on a plane on my way to Detroit, and I hate Detroit. Maybe after this trip, I will hate Detroit less. I have been having lots of dreams of my time with my birth mom since I decided to go to her grave. But the strange thing about these dreams is exactly that! They are dreams and not nightmares, they are all of the good times, baking cookies, playing at the park, brushing her hair, and one of us sledding down a big hill. These are some of the first dreams I have ever had of my time with her that come from happy times. It seems that Ana is right again. I guess I need to continue listening to her.

Captain Stephen's voice announcing our descent into Detroit draws me from my daydreams. Ana looks at me, her eyes questioning how I am doing. "I am fine, don't look so worried," I tell her.

"I can't help it, I feel responsible for the extremely nervous expression on your face right now. I am the person who pushed you to do this and now you are a nervous wreck. I will look at you with worry and concern because I love you. Just let me be your strength and support for once. You have been there for me so many times in our marriage," she says with determination.

"This is one of the things that I love most about you. You see inside me and know exactly how I feel in any situation. You have been able to do this since we met. It was one of the first feelings I had about you. I felt like you could see into my dark soul. I guess you could and you brought your light into my life," I confess. "I admit I am nervous, but you don't need to worry about me."

"If the roles were reversed, would you be worried about me," she asks.

"That is constant in my life. I have many reasons to worry about you. The first of which is that you have no self-preservation. I will never forget how many times you have risked your life unnecessarily since we met," I tell her.

"Christian you were in danger those times with me. And this situation is not the same as Leila and Jack. This time I set all of this in motion, and if you are upset or hurt by this trip, it is all my fault," she confesses.

"Thank you for your concern for me. But I promise I am not doing this because you wanted me to. When have I have ever done something that I did not want to do? I need control too much to find Ella's grave if I did not want to. Please know I won't be upset with you no matter how this visit turns out," I respond.

"Okay, I'll try not to worry, but I can't promise that I won't still worry a little," she says.

"I love you, Mrs. Grey," I say leaning over to kiss her. Her smile tells me she is relaxing a little about this trip.

We are now all settled into our suite in the Anthem in Detroit. Teddy is having fun exploring his new environment. Ana has relaxed now that we are in our suite and she can focus on Teddy rather than worry about me. We plan to go tomorrow morning to find Ella's grave. Part of me wants to go the section of town where I lived with her and see if I recognize anything, but then another part says that is a terrible idea. I am not sure why I am even curious about this in the most remote way. I have spent most of my life running as fast and far away from that part of my life as I could get and now I am wondering about the place we lived.

Thankfully Ana distracts me by asking, "What do you want to do for dinner tonight? We could order room service or would you rather go out?'

"It would probably be easier to order room service. I am sure Teddy would be more comfortable here. He will be able to play while we wait rather than waiting in a high chair," I say.

Teddy squeals, as if he knows exactly what we are saying. So I pick up the phone and order our dinner. Then Ana and I join Teddy on the floor and the three of us play with puzzles and read stories until our dinner arrives.

My phone rings and Taylor asks, "Sir, what time would you like for me to meet you in the lobby tomorrow morning?"

"Let's wait until about ten, this way we will not have to worry about rush hour traffic," I tell him.

"Sounds like a good plan to me. I will see you out front at ten in the morning," he confirmed our time and hangs up.

"Does that sound like a good plan to you, Ana," I asked after I finished my call with Taylor.

"That should work out wonderfully. Teddy will be ready for his morning nap and should sleep on the drive there. Hopefully, he will be cooperative when we arrive after his nap," she answers me.

"Yes, that is great," I say. Then add, "I think I am going to take a walk to release some tension. I see the look in your eyes, no worrying. I just need to get out and stretch my legs and work off some extra energy."

"I told you I would try not to worry. While you are gone I will bath Teddy and get him ready to go to bed. But he might not want to sleep very early tonight. To him, it is only four in the afternoon, but I will do my best to get him all settled. Then when you get back you can let me in on what you are thinking in that sexy head of yours," Ana says as I am preparing to head out.

"Teddy, Daddy loves you, have a good bath. I will see you in a few minutes. I love you, too," I tell Ana as I walk out of the suite.

I know she is worried, but I am not sure how to even explain all the emotions that are warring around in my mind right now. I have held onto all of the horrible parts of my time with Ella and here I am to say goodbye to her. How do I say goodbye to someone that allowed such terrible things happen to me? But how can I not say goodbye to the person that gave me life? I am thankful that I have been having some good dreams about her for the last couple of weeks. But I have had years of nightmares about my life with her, compared to a couple of weeks that doesn't to seem like many good memories. As I continue to walk another memory comes to my mind.

" _Mommy, are we going to the park," I ask and Mommy shakes her head. "Where are we going if we aren't going to the park?"_

" _My sweet boy, I told you it is a surprise," she reminds me._

" _I forget," I say to her, but I am so excited about this surprise. Mommy holds my hand as we walk up the sidewalk. I like it when Mommy holds my hand. I like it when it is just me and Mommy. We get on a bus and Mommy holds me on her lap. When we finally get off the bus, we walk some more. But when we get to the surprise, I am happy._

" _Happy Birthday, Christian! Your first trip to the zoo," says Mommy with a big smile._

" _Yes! I want to go see the tigers! Do they have tigers here Mommy? I hope they have tigers and lions," I tell Mommy as we walk into the zoo._

 _I am so glad that Mommy is happy on my birthday. The zoo is the bestest place in the whole world._

" _I want to live at the zoo, Mommy. Can people live at the zoo? If people can live at the zoo, I want to live here when I grow up, okay, Mommy," I ask as we leave at the end of the day._

" _You can be a zookeeper when you are big. Then you can be at the zoo whenever you want. You are my smart boy, you can be anything you want when you grow up," Mommy tells me. I jump up and down with happiness because when I grow up I am going to live at the zoo._

" _This has been the bestest day ever. Thank you for taking me to the zoo for my birthday," I tell Mommy as we sit on the bus._

" _You're welcome and I love you," Mommy says._

" _I love you too," I say as I kiss Mommy on the cheek._

 _The good happy feeling lasts all the way home. But then he is there when we get home. He is mad at Mommy and is yelling at her. Mommy starts crying and yelling at him. He hits Mommy and stomps out the door._

 _I go to help Mommy._

I literally stop in the middle of the sidewalk and shake my head to chase away the memory. I want to focus on the positive moments of the memory. There were tigers and lions at the zoo that day. I think that was the last birthday that I spent with her. She did love me and I loved her. I need to head back to the hotel and to my family. Maybe we can take Teddy to the zoo before we leave. He is probably too young to remember it, but I will have the memory. What is it my dad said about making memories? He said to make memories with Ana and Teddy. Yes, taking Teddy to the Detroit Zoo, where my mom took me, is a good memory that I want to have alongside the memory of being there with her.

Ana's POV

Christian has been gone for a long time. I hope he is ok, why do I push him into doing these things? My Subconscious adds _You can never leave well enough alone!_ I tell her to be quiet and try to stop worrying because that's what I told Christian. But he has been gone long enough that Teddy is asleep. He actually fell asleep easier than I thought he would. The airplane ride must have taken a lot out of him.

I run a bath in the large corner tub in our bathroom. I slide in the bubbles and hot water, ready to relax since I am alone. This doesn't happen too often, I need to take advantage of it. As I sit in the water, I think about Christian's behavior over the last couple of weeks. He seems to be on a roller coaster of emotions. But to my relief, he has not had any nightmares from his early years. He actually has had some good dreams about living with Ella. It seems that my idea of finding her has been mostly good for him. Let's just hope that tomorrow it doesn't backfire in my face. The water is not very warm now, I should get out and check on Teddy. I haven't heard anything from the monitor I brought from home. But I want to see him for myself, he isn't in his normal environment.

After looking in on Teddy, I pick up a manuscript I brought to look at for work. I will distract myself with this novel. Just as I need to take a break from work, I hear the door to our suite open.

"Perfect timing, I just finished working and need to take a break," I say with no worry in my voice, I hope.

Christian walks over to me, lifting my legs he sits on the couch with me. "You smell wonderful. Did you have a bath while I was gone," he asks while he rubs my leg.

"Yes, and it was very relaxing," I say.

"Did Teddy have any trouble falling asleep," Christian asks.

"No, I was really surprised at how quickly he went down," I confess. "The trip here must have worn him out."

"I am going to go shower and then we can talk in bed," he says as he gets up and heads to the bathroom. Then he looks back at me and says, "Unless you have a more strenuous activity you would prefer."

That man, he really has one thing on his mind when we are alone. But I need to hear from him all the things he needed to take a walk to think over in his mind. My inner goddess is very disappointed with this train of thought. I stand and head into the bedroom to hear the inner thoughts of Christian Grey.u


	5. Chapter 5

Finding Christian's Birth Mom's Grave

Chapter 5

Christian's POV

When I finish my shower Ana is waiting for me in the King size bed of our hotel room. She is beautiful sitting there with a manuscript on her lap. She is so drawn in by the story she is reading, she has no idea that I am staring at her beauty. As she concentrates on the story, she starts biting her lip and my body has the same reactions it has had since she fell into my office. Forget talking about my walk or what I am thinking, I want her now, no I need her now. I need her to know that I am not upset with her for suggesting I find Ella's grave.

"You know what that lip biting does to me, Mrs. Grey," I say and she startles, but a smile spreads across her face.

"Christian, I was hoping we could talk about what you are thinking," she says.

I know I can distract her from the conversation. I walk over to her and remove the manuscript from her lap.

"My darling wife, I find you completely irresistible when you are biting on that lip. We can talk later, right now I want to make love to my beautiful wife. I need you, I need this," I confess to her.

She stands and kisses me slowly, sweetly. I gently lay her on the bed and we explore each other as we make love. This connection with her is what keeps me grounded, keeps me sane. No matter what is going on in my life or my mind, this physical connection with Ana grounds me. She brings me back from the brink of whatever disaster I have created in my mind.

Ana's POV

Christian has grown so much emotionally since we have been married, but there are still times where he still needs to connect with me physically to reassure himself. He still needs to speak to me with physical touch to know, really know that I love him or to say he is sorry for something. Now that we have connected physically, he will be able to talk about what he is feeling about tomorrow and why he needed to take a walk tonight.

As we lay in the dark, I ask him, "What is going on in your mind?"

He doesn't respond right away and I am afraid he might not respond at all. But when I finally give up on a response and think he might have fallen asleep, he rolls to his side to face me and takes my hands in his. He takes a deep breath and says, "I am not really sure I can put what I feel into words. I have seen her as a villain for so long that I am having a hard time reconciling that person with the person in my dreams now, or as a mother that loved me in any way similar to the way you love Teddy. Just like I had to make readjustments in my mind for you to touch me, I am trying to readjust my view of her and add the loving mother side of her to my perception of her. I have never allowed myself to think of her as a complex human being, she was the nightmare part of my life. Now I am beginning to allow myself to not only think of her but to think of her in a positive light."

I bring his hands to my lips and kiss them to show him that I am here supporting him. He copies my actions and kisses my hands. Then he continues to talk, "I remembered something else about my life with her while on my walk. I think it was the last birthday I had with her, she surprised me and took me to the zoo. I remember riding the bus with her, and asking her if I could live at the zoo. She told me I could be anything I wanted to be because I was smart. But when we got home, he was there."

He stops talking and I don't want him remembering the bad things. I ask, "How about we take Teddy to the zoo before we leave town?"

With a smile, he tells me that he had the same idea. "My dad told me to build happy memories with you and Teddy, so I think taking him to the zoo my mom took me to would be a great memory."

"Did your walk help you," I ask as I yawn.

"Yes, Mrs. Grey, the walk was a great way to clear my head and spend my excess nervous energy. And I can see that you are running out of energy, too. Roll over and come close to me and we will go to sleep. We both need to be well rested for tomorrow," he says as he pulls me close.

Christian's POV

Ana is asleep, but of course, I am too wired to sleep. This is one of the few times that even with Ana in bed beside me, I cannot sleep. I don't want to wake her, so I climb out of bed and head into the living area of our suite. As I leave our bedroom, I decide to peek in on Teddy. He looks so peaceful and beautiful in his sleep. I will do everything in my power to make sure the memories of his childhood are all wonderful. I pull an armchair close to his crib and watch him sleep the same way I have watched his mother sleep so many times. I am not sure how long I sit by his bed before I decide to head back to bed with Ana. When I get back into bed with her, I pull her close and drift into sleep.

In what feels like five minutes the alarm wakes me. I plan to go to the gym and get in a run before we head out. Ana is still sleeping peacefully, so I quietly head to the gym. My run is slow and hard today, but I am glad to have come down to workout. I feel more awake and ready to start the day. Before I head back to the suite, I stop at the concierge and ask where the closest florist is located. He tells me that there is one a couple of blocks away. I get the number from him and call to place an order as I head to see if Ana and Teddy are awake yet.

"Good morning, wife," I tell her as I walk into our room. "It smells wonderful in here. I'm glad that you ordered breakfast." I add as I walk over to Teddy, I bend down an kiss him on the head.

"Did you have a good workout," Ana asks as I sit down to eat with them.

"No, not really, but at least the workout is finished now. I feel more awake though, which is a good thing," I tell her honestly. "My run was slow and hard today, even with how much I love running."

"Sorry, you had a bad run. Teddy has been running this morning too. He has been all over this suite about seven times. I think all the energy he didn't get to use on the flight here yesterday has already been used here this morning," Ana says as Teddy's grins at us. "See that smile, the one just his Daddy's, he knows he has been a busy rascal this morning."

"At least the suite is large enough that he can expend the extra energy he has this morning," I add with as I smile at my son.

Ana looks at me with a serious expression and asks, "How are you feeling this morning?"

"Surprisingly I am not nervous at all. I stopped and asked the concierge about a florist close by. He gave me the name of one a couple of blocks away. I called and ordered something to take to her grave," I tell Ana.

She smiles at me and says, "Christian that is very thoughtful of you."

"It felt like the right thing to do," I respond to her compliment. I feel like just showing up there wouldn't be right. I think this gesture will help me with the unresolved feelings. I can give her this small token for bringing me into the world.

When I finish my breakfast, I tell Ana I am going to head to the shower and get ready for our trip.

Ana's POV

As I dress, I reflect on our conversation from breakfast and Christian really doesn't seem nervous about our trip to the cemetery today. This is surprising to me, but I'm not sure why. Christian has faced everything in his life and come out on top of the world. He is really the strongest person that I have ever met. It was super thoughtful to order flowers for her grave. I am so surprised at the complete turn around he has made when it comes to his birth mother. This is just another reason to love this man.

I walk into the living area of our suite and find Christian and Teddy playing with the train we brought with us. I just love watching them together. This might be my favorite thing to see, my husband and our son together. I am such a lucky lady to have these men in my life.

"What are my two handsome guys up to this morning," I ask as I walk over to them. I sit down and begin to add pieces to the train they are assembling.

Christian looks to Teddy and replies, "We were just waiting on the beautiful lady in our life to join us as we conduct this train, right Teddy?"

As Teddy grins at us both, I mention to Christian that is about time for us to head down to meet Taylor. We gather our things to head to the elevator. Christian picks up Teddy and I grab the diaper bag and our jackets. Christian is quiet on the ride down to the lobby and I have learned to just wait for him to tell me what is going on in his mind. This takes patience on my part, and this is not a natural skill for me.

Taylor is waiting with the SUV when we get out of the hotel. Taylor is completely indispensable in our lives. I am so thankful to have him travel with us. He gets out and opens the door for us. He has already put Teddy's car seat into the SUV. I slide in and take Teddy from Christian to begin buckling him into his seat. Christian comes around to the other side and gets with us.

"Good Morning Mr. and Mrs. Grey," Taylor says as we all settle in for the drive to the cemetery.

Christian replies, "Good morning to you, Taylor."

"We are about half an hour from the cemetery, and just as we had hoped the traffics appears to be light," Taylor informs us.

"Taylor, we need to make one stop on the way, two blocks up on Monroe Street is a florist. I have an order there," I tell Taylor.

Teddy has already fallen asleep before we even leave the hotel's parking area. He never lasts long when he is in a vehicle. He has fallen asleep while holding onto Christian's finger. It is so adorable that I grab my phone and take a picture of them.

"Thanks for that, he has already grown so much that it is hard to believe. Now we have the picture to remind us of how tiny he was, one day his hands will be as big as mine," he says as I put away my phone.

"Yes, we definitely need to take tons of pictures. I cannot believe how fast he has grown. I know everyone says that, but I just never realized how true it is," I add.

We ride in silence for the next few miles after we pick up the flowers. I feel butterflies filling up my stomach as we draw closer to the cemetery. Please let this go well for Christian, I plead to God. He has so many terrible memories involving his birth mother, please don't let this be another one. Let this be a time of peace where he can move forward without anger, fear, and regret. I take a deep breath and look toward Christian as Taylor slows and makes a turn into the cemetery.

Christian's POV

I have no idea why, but I am not nervous at all as Taylor pulls into the cemetery. I see Ana watching me with trepidation. She is checking to see how I am reacting to our arrival at the cemetery. But I am amazingly calm, and I am honestly shocked by the feeling. Taylor checks the information Welch provided for locating the gravesite. As we slowly make our way through towering oaks, evergreens, and other trees that have been around since the pioneers settle this area, I am drawn back in time.

Mommy has been sad all day. I tried to share my cars with her, but she just sits on the couch staring out the window. I want something to eat, my tummy is grumbly.

"Mommy, I'm hungry. I want to have a snack," I say to her. I hope she will get me something yummy. Maybe Mommy will back cookies. "I want cookies, can we make cookies, Mommy," I ask, but she just stares. I crawl on the couch and onto her lap.

"Mommy isn't feeling well, Christian. Go play with your cars," she tells me as she picks me up and puts me on the floor.

"But Mommy, I am hungry," I whine, even though she tells me not to whine.

"You are a big boy you can find something in the kitchen," she says, as she looks back out the window.

Mommy thinks I am a big boy. I am happy that I am a big boy. I go to the kitchen and to find some yummy food. I find some crackers and finish them. When I am eating Mommy goes to her room and gets her candle medicine. Mommy is sick so she has to have her candle medicine a lot. I hope Mommy gets better soon.

I start playing with my cars, they are fast. While I am playing, Mommy comes and lays by me on the floor.

"I wish I were a better mommy for you Christian. I'm sorry for not being the mommy you deserve," Mommy is crying when she tells me this.

"Mommy you are the bestest mommy. I love you, Mommy," I tell her, I want her to stop crying. I don't like it when she cries.

"I am going to rest for a while here, you play with your cars quietly," she tells me as she falls asleep.

I jump as Ana brings me from the memory. I look out the window to see that we have arrived. I wonder if that memory is of the time just before she died. I guess it would be fitting to have that memory as we arrive at her grave. I turn and look at Ana, concern is written all over her face.

"Ana, don't look so concerned. I am fine, this is a good thing for me. I actually think I just remembered our last conversation. She told me she was sorry that she was a bad mom and I deserved better. I'm not sure it was when she died, but I was playing with my cars on the floor and she was laying on the floor beside me," I confess my memories to Ana.

"At least she knew you were deserving of a good mom, and that is what you got with Grace," she replies.

"No, I didn't get a good mom with Grace, I got an angel," I tell her because it is true. I really hit the jackpot when she was the doctor on duty when Social Services brought me to the hospital. Teddy wakes up, and I decide to go alone while Ana gets him out of his seat.

"I think I will walk out there alone, while you get Teddy unbuckled," I tell her as I open the door of the SUV.

"Alright, I will join you in a couple of minutes. I love you," she says and I see the love in her eyes. What are the chances of hitting the jackpot twice? I am one lucky son of a bitch.

I get out and head to the back of the SUV to get the flower arrangement that we picked up for her grave. When I find her grave, it is marked with the simplest of stones. Just her name, the days of birth and death. I bend down and put the flowers next to the marker.

"I forgive you," I say quietly. I hope she can hear me. I want her to know that I have let go of my hatred for her. "I will never know what drove you to need drugs so much that you failed at being a mom. But in the end, I have had the best mother." I begin to cry, but they are tears of thanksgiving. Thanksgiving for Grace, I am glad that I was able to grow up with her and Carrick.

"Christian," Ana says quietly as she and Teddy join me. She takes my hand, pulls me close and wipes away my tears. "I hate that you are crying."

"No, don't feel sad for me. These are not tears of sadness, they are tears of thanksgiving. I am so thankful for Grace. Being here has made me realize, I had everything by having them raise me. I am not talking about the material things they gave me. But the unconditional love, I only wish I had realized I had it sooner. I can say for certainty that I forgive Ella. You are right, she had her own world of hurt that spurred her actions. In the end, she did love me, in as much as she was capable," I confess to Ana all the thoughts that have rushed through my mind in the couple of minutes that I have been here. I turn to Ana and Teddy with renewed purpose to make memories with my family, my entire family.

"My husband, a man of few words and even fewer tears, you are amazing," Ana says as she wipes more tears away and kisses me softly.

"Let's go to the zoo, and make a memory from my past into a new one now," I say and turn to walk back toward the SUV, I stop after only a couple of steps. "Thanks for pushing me to do this. I am not sure I would have had the clarity of just how lucky I am to have Grace as my mom if I had not come here. Being here makes me want to go hug my mom and she is in Seattle."

"Then let's go to the zoo, so you can go back to Seattle and hug your mom," Ana says with tears in her eyes.

Hand in hand we walk back to SUV and tell Taylor to head to the Detroit Zoo.

Ana's POV

I'm not sure what I actually expected for Christians reaction to finding Ella's grave would be, but I am sure I would not have expected it to make him understand's Graces love more. We spent the rest of the day at the zoo. I know Teddy won't remember it, but we took enough pictures to fill an album. Christian and I will remember the day and that is part of parenting, remembering each special day with your children.

Now we are about to land at Sea-Tac and Christian has already invited his parents to dinner tonight at our home. He told me he doesn't want more time to pass with his parents not knowing how much he loves and appreciates them. This is from the same man that two years ago felt unloved and unloveable. What a difference time makes in our lives.

I have sent Gail texts to warn her that we are almost home and that we will be having company for dinner. She will no doubt have a wonderful meal prepared for our guests by the time we all arrive. Teddy will never know the Christian that felt unlovable, he will only have this wonderful man as his father. He will never have to feel the pain that Christian felt with Ella, he will have a mom and dad that show him every day that he is loved.

Christian's POV

When we arrive at home, Mom and Dad are already here. This makes me happy, I am not sure what I would have done with my nervous energy until they arrived if they had not beat us here. I walk straight to my mom and to her shock I pull her into a tight embrace. When we pull apart she has tears and questions in her eyes. But before I answer her unspoken questions, I turn to my dad and hug him too. They are both shocked by my unusual behavior, so I try to explain.

"You are the best parents in the world. Thank you for adopting me, loving me, and never giving up on me. When we arrived at Ella's grave, I told her that I forgive her, and then I couldn't wait to get home to my mom," I say looking straight at my mom. "I suddenly realized I had the best mom any child could want with me every day of my childhood."

Mom and Dad both wrap me up in another hug, as Ana and Teddy join our family hug I realize I am the luckiest son of a bitch and has nothing to do with the money in my bank account.


End file.
